♥ What that doesn't kill you makes you stronger

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Life and it's Uncertainties.

Future seems bleak, so full of uncertainties, I wonder how am I ever going to make it. I wonder what i'm gonna be 5 years down the road. I wonder what next year will be like. I'm still keeping my optimism though, trying my best at least. Everyday's the same old thing. Honestly getting quite tired from the workload, the tests and exams that just keep coming before everyone could catch a breather.

Recent talks by various subject teachers, heads of department were I don't know? Inpirational? Motivational? Plain Scary and maybe a wake up call. But I know, everyone's got to believe in themselves. If there's a will, there must be a way right? Will, determination, courage and optimism shall help me to get through this year.

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world but no one knows yours name yet
Wonderin' when, where and how you're going to make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face and the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you getting all kinda impatient
Waiting, we live and we learn

To take one step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly, or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen
And we find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe, and you doubt
You're confused, and got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world but no one knows yours name yet
Wonderin' when, where and how you're going to make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face and the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you getting all kinda impatient
Waiting, we live and we learn

To take one step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly, or falling in love
It's gonna happen when it's supposed to happen
And we find the reasons why
One step at a time

When you can't wait any longer (you can't wait)
But there's no end in sight (when you need to find the strength)
It's your faith that makes you stronger (the only way we get there)
The only way we get there

Is one step at a time.
(jordin sparks)

Choices, consequences. Sometimes you make a choice thinking it's the 'right' choice then, everything felt great, perfect, just where you wanted and needed to be but years down the road, things change and you find yourself regretting, wanting to go back in time to undo that decision so that everything can go back to like how it was before, but by then...is it too late? Uncertainties in life can really drive one insane sometimes. Hmm

Nowadays, I really can't be sure of what i'm certain about anymore. Be it the things I used to believe in or really, just everything.

Not emo, just thinking.

Sounds Like A Plan.

A Phase.

You know they say, during tough times, you see the true colours of the people you genuinely once cared for? How true, how apt a phrase.

I wonder if there comes a point in time in life where you start to doubt and question so many things around you, what seem so real for a moment may not seem so in the next. I kinda took a short break from like some people to breathe. It was a really short break cause' still... it was pretty easy to get me. Nevertheless, took time to think through past, recent events, wondered what could the possible reasons be, got upset, got over it, thought somemore, tried convincing myself, succeeded, failed and finally got enlightened.

Initially, I thought no one would ever be able to understand what I was actually going through. Until I sat down to talk to some people. And yeah, these are the people that managed to somehow find me when I didn't want anyone to. So, sometimes people do get tired of one another, from all the things happening around them, they naturally go into this hibernation mode. I just felt like I didn't want to care about anything in the world for that few days, just wanted to be on my own, do the things I wanted or needed to do, away from all the uneccessary stress that even the closest people are giving me, basically just get away from every single thing and everyone.

Maybe when people get really tired, they really let loose of themselves. Suddenly the world's perception of you don't matter anymore, you go wild, you dare to take risks and chances and just do whatever you deem fit and right. You kinda get enlightened too, no point being too serious every single time, no point trying to ensure everything goes right, no point caring too much. Just go with the flow and somehow, just trust that everything will be fine at the end of the day. That was the idea I got from the people I talked to. They're tired, they've went through a lot and by letting go of the nitty gritty pieces in life, they've actually become stronger.


One of the things that I learnt during this so called break, was to be thankful. Truly thankful for the people and things around I have currently. I'm happy with what I have currently. I'm thankful for friends who genuinely care about my well-being, did I mention my awesome awesome friends who would be more than willing to sit down with me on their weekend just so to see me/accompany me while I study? (: Not to mention concerned phone calls and messages to check on me, encouraging texts etc. Am honestly touched. I can tell those who really care, those who actually go the extra mile, even at times when I'm not-so lovable. Like for the times where I snapped( though rarely), the times I was frustrated and for the times I may just want to rant and rant and rant at everything and anything. Friends aside, family is important too. Trying to find more ways to spend time with my parents. Though sometimes they may not understand me, I know they care. And did I mention, Max is being uber cute nowadays. Or maybe I just did not realise this point until recently. I used to think my older brother was retarded whenever he let Max chase him all around the house, wrestle with him, tease the fat one until he got frustrated and angsty but now, I'm doing the exact same things. I hid his tennis ball away and got him to find it. Heh! Of course, I do miss spotty as well. He's just the best dog I could ever have, besides Max. Max is second. HAHAHAH.

Anyway to further elaborate on the points mentioned above,I guess if two friends wanted to keep a friendship going, nothing could stand in their way. As long as both take the effort to maintain it. Cause if someone loves or cares for you, they'll take the effort and time to make things work, they'll show you that they want you in their life. If not, ...you kinda know where you stand and where this friendship is heading to. So yes, I can tell. & I guess from today onwards, I'm not gonna try so hard to make sure everything goes right. I can't make everyone happy and so, I'll just try my best to do whatever I can. Trust everything will be fine at the end of the day, even if it's not, it'll pass eventually.

There's more to my so-called enlightenment but I see no point typing everything out here. So long as I know what it is, execute things right and not make the same old mistakes again, I guess it's fine, right? Heh.

I guess this is just a phase everyone's gotta go through at some point of their life. Life's never gonna be a bed of roses. But tough times do not last, tough people do (:

Last Straw
For the longest time, I've been trying to figure it out, figure myself out. Many close friends have been advicing me out of it for the longest possible time but I just...refuse to listen. Or maybe I did, for awhile at least,before I gave in and therefore throwing myself back to where I started -square one. "All it takes is one moment of weakness to get you back to where you started" -B

I couldn't agree more with the statement above. So I gave myself a deadline, to clear my thoughts and the nitty gritty things. Well, the deadline's not up yet but I thought, why drag it further and longer when it should end like, right now? Yeah, so that's it. It's for the better.

I'm alright, not depressed or anything. But for the better good, for the sake of keeping it going for the rest of the year, I think it's a must to solve this problem of mine asap. Can't keep letting the same things drag me down each time right?

Mayern says, I've got to keep my optimism going, till August at least. Well, I think... I am pretty optimistic nowadays though my previous posts may make this whole sentence seem like a contradiction. Apparently, my optimism seem too much for someone I've known for...7 years. I can't stress more that though I appear to be optimistic, I'm also serious. Why don't believe me?:(

Previous posts were more of like, frustration I just had to vent out. I won't deny that, gosh...the frustration was really so much to handle, I thought I could almost burst a couple of blood vessels. For the record I actually did burst a blood vessel in my left eye a few weeks back but I don't know why or how did it happen actually. The blood clot though tiny,it looked quite gross and scary.

& though I think I figured this problem out, there's still some others lingering. But, I think...they might not be as bad. Just need more time on my own, away from the cause/ causes of all these things.

It's an important year. Can't afford to make any mistakes. Got to make things work, need to work towards my goal. It won't be easy, but there shouldnt be any giving up as well. Got to keep reminding myself.

Something totally random, damn!I broke my favourite starbucks tumbler today. I'm such a klutz. :( Oh yesterday was pretty awesome too. (:

Walls up

Daily Dose Need my daily dose of happy pills to keep the optimism and drive going. I wish life had a ' Appear Offline' button sometimes. Not that anything major happened, just wished there was such a cool function in life.

I really hate misunderstandings. They create a whole lot of uneccessary stress for me besides everything else, I've got to try to explain myself over and over again. Stop judging from the surface of things. Clarify before you assume. Sometimes I'm truly amazed, don't you know me enough to know what kind of person I am?

I don't know how to put what I exactly feel into words but I know I'm just really disappointed in some people. Sometimes, I really try to strike a balance, making sure I've spared a thought for the feelings of the people around me, consider all the consequences that could happen because I really want the best for everyone, want things to work out right so everyone will be happy, but really, sometimes I wonder if they'll do the same for me, spare the same amount of thought for how I might feel. No, I don't think so, sad to say. Sometimes I feel like the effort I put in have been taken for granted. I've been so fed up by the attitudes given, I think I just need a break from everyone, I'm just too tired to deal with anymore of this.

I'm just glad there were still some things that made me happy happier than I've been recently.

B & B made me feel like I could breathe again. However,I find myself on the verge of breaking down and stressed out sometimes and I wonder why. Then I recall, it's because even the closest people have failed to understand. This saddens me the most but maybe, I shouldn't put the blame on anyone. Cause it was probably unintentional.

I think I'm just tired. I need a break.

You don't know me, you don't wear my chains.